Margaret and Jeremy, age 15 years

The beginning

I dreaded sitting Jeremy down and telling him the news. "Jeremy, we're moving again." His face fell and he angrily replied, "I finally made friends here and I don't want to move again!" My heart ached for him and I promised him, "Jeremy, I promise, I will never move you again."

It was the spring of 1999, and we were living in Davis, California, where I had just finished college the previous fall. It was not an easy move for Jeremy, and Davis proved to be an excellent environment for him. I began a new job with Roadway trucking and discovered that I could buy the house of my dreams and move as soon as May. I knew how hard it was for Jeremy to adjust to each move, but it was an opportunity I could not pass up.

Jeremy did not say much as I made plans to move. He was 15 years old and just finishing his freshman year of high school and would be a sophomore the coming fall at Woodcreek High School. Jeremy and I moved from our small apartment on a sunny Spring day. It was just him and I moving with a rented U-haul. Our new house was an 1,100 square foot starter home in Antelope, California that was not even 10 years old. The flowers were blooming all over the place and I could scarcely believe we were moved in. I could see Jeremy's approval in his face when he saw his new house for the first time. He chose the bedroom closest to mine, and for the first time in many years, I felt life was good.

The adjustment was hard on Jeremy because he was not especially outgoing, and making friends usually took him awhile. He began Woodcreek that fall, and after the usual new-school jitters, he seemed to be adjusting well. I anxiously asked him if he made friends, and he casually replied, "Yeah, I sit with some girls on my lunch break." He kept pretty much everything to himself and didn't appreciate his nosy mom inquiring about his personal life.

Jeremy's homecoming dance

One day in October, Jeremy mentioned that he was going to his homecoming dance. I could not believe it since he never went to any dances. "A girl asked me out," he told me as if to circumvent any further interrogation. I remember taking him shopping for clothes and the sweetness of helping him get ready for his first dance on that warm, hazy autumn day. He was nervous but didn't want to lose his cool about the whole thing. He put on his clothes and came out and announced, "Mom, I don't know how to tie a tie." So, in desperation I got on the internet and somehow we both figured it out. I remember the sky being a little smoky as I dropped him off at the school. He looked so handsome and grownup as I watched him slowly walk away, nervously holding the corsage. I ended up picking him up a little early, and he said he had an okay time.

Jeremy surprised me still more when he announced that he signed up for the wrestling team. Jeremy was gifted athletically, but he was never much interested in team sports. He was briefly in a boxing program in Woodland where he showed a lot of promise, and he really enjoyed that. I was so pleased at his decision to wrestle and I never known Jeremy to work so hard. He practiced everyday after school and lifted weights and ran on his own time. He always had an incredible discipline for a teenager, and the wrestling program seemed to fit well with him. He showed talent during his first meets, and the coach moved him to the Varsity squad where his inexperience showed. He would lose time after time, but what totally amazed me is that he stuck with it and seemed to really enjoy it.

During the winter of 2000, I had quit my Roadway job and found a new job. Meanwhile, Jeremy had taken his driver's training class the previous summer and now practicing with his dad and me. I was driving him to his school more often because his high school was on the way to my new job. We had more in depth conversations on these drives, and it seemed he opened up to me more during these times. I remember asking him if he wanted a girlfriend and he replied, "Not now, I want to wait until I have a job and a car." To me that was the most mature response. One time, on one of our drives, he wistfully said, "Mom, I really would like a girlfriend." I remember it so clearly because there was a sadness to his voice. I said, "Jeremy, you could have any girl you wanted." I really meant that because I thought he was not only handsome physically, but was such a beautiful person on the inside. Sometimes I wondered if he knew what a wonderful young man he really was.

In January, Jeremy went with my brother up to Nevada for a family wedding. When he came back, he excitedly told me, "Mom, that was the best trip I ever been on. We went sledding and stayed at a nice hotel with a swimming pool. Why don't we doing stuff like that?" I was happy he had fun and planned a trip to Santa Cruz. My brother called me and said, "Margaret, I tried talking to Jeremy about God but he said he doesn't believe in God. You better talk to him!" He was surprised because Jeremy's dad took him to church almost every weekend. I asked Jeremy about it, and I remember him saying, "I'm not sure if I believe in God." I didn't push him, and felt disqualified in even talking about it when I was living a sinful life before God and everything seemed to be falling apart for me. I was convinced one of these days he'd come around and that it was typical teenager rebellion.

The most profound event prior to his passing was sometime during the Spring, I do not remember which date, but Jeremy had come home from his dad's after church on a Sunday afternoon. I was napping on the sofa when the sound of the door unlocking woke me up. Jeremy looked straight at me and announced with excitement in his voice: "Mom, I got God!". I was startled by what he said and wondered if I heard him right. "What did you say?" I asked. "Mom, I got God." This time I noticed his grin from ear to ear and his face seemed to be lit up like I've never seen before. "Jeremy, that is so wonderful," I replied, now smiling in amazement. As quickly as he entered, he walked directly into his room and shut the door. He never mentioned it again and I never quizzed him about it. But I never, never forgot this. In fact, I thought about it a lot, wondering what happened to him that weekend.

Memorial Day was around the corner, and I decided to plan a camping trip with my brother's family. I felt compelled to buy a rather expensive fishing raft with motor. I loved fishing, and thought it would be fun. I also felt strongly compelled to buy a video camera, but finally resisted. It was weird, because I was not one to buy high dollar items because of my income. I told Jeremy he could invite his cousin Ryan, who was really Jeremy's closest friend. I knew Jeremy would have more fun with Ryan being there. As it happened, my brother backed out and Ryan didn't make it, and it was just Jeremy and I. Jeremy did not want to go with me alone (too boring) and wouldn't have if it weren't for that raft. I had to do a lot of begging, but he finally conceded to going.

Ryan and Jeremy Spring 2000

I remember the hot afternoon as we climbed up the mountain in my Ford Escort, loaded down with camping gear. It felt strange just him and I going somewhere together. We stopped and I bought Jeremy an iced coffee drink and we talked the whole way up. It was late in the day when we got there, and we carried the heavy raft down some rocks (the battery for the motor was the heaviest) and we excitedly put it into the water to test it out. The wind was lightly blowing across the lake and the sun was setting as we set off across the lake. The cool wind whipped us and we turned around and went back to the campsite. I remember cooking some pork chops and we set our sleeping bags up inside the tent. The next day we went out fishing in our new raft and caught some trout. We trolled and it was a beautiful sunny, but windy, day. I remember Jeremy laughing at me because I was at the front of the raft getting hit with waves as he steered us to new fishing grounds. We went home that next night though, because I think Jeremy had enough of me. When we got home, I took him and Tommy, my brother who lived with us, to the movies. I cooked the trout we caught and we had a nice dinner. It was a fun and relaxing weekend and very unusual for me to spend a long holiday weekend with my son.

Jeremy talked more and more about getting a summer job and a car. We had a disagreement because he wanted a Honda. I let him know that I couldn't afford the car and the insurance, etc. We finally came to an agreement that with his dad's okay he could work all summer for a car and whatever he didn't have, his dad and I would help him with the rest. I knew I couldn't afford it, but I could not say no to him. He was the best kid ever, and he was deserving of it. He always worked hard for whatever he really wanted. The previous summer, he had babysat for his dad and bought a really nice stereo. I admired that quality about him, and finally agreed to helping him. I remember taking him to his last day of school and he was excited about the summer finally being here. I took him around to get applications at the local businesses. He told me about his dad getting him a a job doing summer construction for $8.00 an hour, and he said he could make more money doing that. I did not think much about it since Jeremy had often worked during the summer working for his uncle doing construction work.

The weekend before Jeremy's homecoming, I decided to buy a scanner. I can't even remember why, but another compulsion to buy something I couldn't afford. I remember Jeremy coming home Sunday afternoon and and he immediately jumped on the computer and began scanning and sending pictures to his cousin Ryan via email. The next day, Monday, I went to work and when I came home, I had dinner with Jeremy. I remember making pork in the pressure cooker and some zuchinni. It's funny how life can be so mundane yet I didn't realize this would be the last time I spent with him. I remember him complaining about the zuchinni, when I asked him if he still wanted some, he said, "yeah" probably thinking it was healthy for him. I went to bed early the next morning I went to check on him. He was gone, and then I remembered he was going to his dad's house. His dad probably came and got him last night, I thought. It was his first week of summer vacation, and I expected him to spend a lot of time with his dad and siblings during the summer as he always did. He loved them very much and enjoyed spending time with them. The day began in an ordinary way.

On Wednesday morning, June 15, 2000, a few days later, I read my bible before going to work. I was in my bathtub reading Psalms. I wanted desperately to feel close to God, but all I felt was a deep emptiness. I remember reading Psalms 22: "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? For dogs have surrounded Me; The congregation of the wicked has enclosed Me. They pierced My hands and My feet…" I knew this was a prophetic scripture about Jesus and I clearly remember thinking: God lost His Son. It was just a passing thought, but impactful enough to remember as I went to work. I also remember thinking about Jeremy that day. I knew his dad was supposed to take him to get his driver's license and I wondered if he had passed his test. I decided to let him call me and tell me in case he didn't pass and was bummed out.

That Wednesday was a very hot summer day, and we were experiencing a heat wave in Sacramento. It was well into the 100's, and I remember the pavement being unbearably hot when I came back from lunch. I remember racing back into the air conditioned trailer feeling almost out of breath. A few weeks prior, my co-worker had to return to Portland as her teenaged nephew died unexpectedly in an accident. When she returned, I remember her telling me about it. He was an avid skateboarder and after they lowered his casket, his friends skated around the gravesite and then dropped their skateboards into the grave. A tear came down my cheek as I thought about my own son and shuddered to even think of the thought of losing him.


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