Freedom from Alcohol

I have a deep passion to see people who are in bondage be set free. When I was at my peak of my alcohol-soaked years, I yearned deep in my heart to hear a message of hope. I had no one to turn to, because I didn't have the strength to reach out. I felt so isolated, but in my heart, I knew Jesus Christ was the answer, but felt so distant from Him. I wanted so bad to quit drinking, but every attempt failed and I couldn't even stay one day sober. Thanks to His grace and mercy, he heard my cries and answered me. This story is to tell you of my testimony of how the Lord Jesus delivered me and how He can set you free too! May God bless you and give you the freedom that He sent His only Son to this earth to give you.

I grew up in a dysfunctional, large family of nine children. My mom was Native American, and my father Irish. From my early years, I remember seeing my parents drinking, mostly sober throughout the week, then a two to three day drinking binge on the weekends. This pattern never changed throughout my entire childhood. I hated it and dreaded every weekend. As a young girl, I knew I would never drink alcohol because I saw what it did to my parents and to us. When I was about 12, I was a young girl with a deep hole in my heart. I was searching for something, anything to fill my emptiness and sadness. One day, while my parents were drinking, I found their stash of beer under the kitchen sink. I secretly opened a can of their cheap beer and took a sip. It was like a smoothness, warmness and a comfort that I had not known. Some biochemical, maybe even spiritual, reaction filled my young body and it was an instant rush. For sure their was some genetic disposition to make me feel this way and it was hard to resist. It was as if I was being drawn to it and was born to do this. This began my years of drinking as I, with my younger sister, would team up to find any and all ways to get this high again. All my sadness and emptiness left, and delusions of a better life filled me. I was happier, at peace and life was good for once. I didn't have to wait for "one day"; I could be, in a short few minutes, "buzzed" and happy.

My sister and I would sneak out of our house, and be gone all night searching for boys and alcohol. I believe this is where I stopped growing as a person, stunted by alcohol, and used alcohol to deal with my problems. By the time I was a young woman in my twenties, alcohol was more than partying. I began to need it every day. I would drink to get drunk. I was already a divorced mother of a young son, and looked forward to the end of my workday where I could drink. I was "blacking out" weekly, exposing myself to extreme danger and a grave danger to others. One time, I woke up only to discover my truck was not in the front where I usually parked it. I knew I was at the bowling alley down the street and immediately ran down there to see if my truck was there. With a huge sigh of relief, I saw it parked askew, by itself, windows open. I went inside and an employee at the bar had my keys. I had no clue how I got home, and this realization horrified me, but only until my next drink.

At the young age of 25, I married again. He also was an alcoholic, and I was at the height of my misery and drinking in this short marriage. It was only a matter of time before something horrible would happen because of my drinking. After one year of my second marriage, I realized my military husband would soon be deployed to Iraq. Without the ability to cope, I drank extra hard at my brother's apartment as I watched the news of his deployment. This was no joke, as I pondered the whole thing and threw back more drinks. My husband came to meet me and after I assured him I could drive, I followed him home in my truck. I had my young son with me and he had his young daughter with him. On a dark two lane road, I blacked out and my car rear-ended his car, pushing him into a utility pole. My truck rolled off the road down a ravine. I instantly became sober upside down as I crawled out of the broken windshield. I screamed for my son in the darkness. I sat in a field, bloody, drunk and barefoot watching the police and ambulance lights in the distance. "Now I done it, really done it," I thought to myself with complete horror and deep shame. This truly was one of the darkest times in my life, and I was subsequently arrested for felony D.U.I., My entire family was in the hospital with varying injuries. My husband was hurt the most seriously, needing a pin in his thigh and leaving a jagged scar across his forehead. My step-daughter had seat-belt rash and was otherwise okay, and my son had a broken jaw and little cuts all over him from the glass. I can't even tell you in words the shame and horror of going to the hospital, after being released from jail, and facing their little faces in the hospital beds, knowing I had done this to them. The nurse started talking to another nurse with a disgusted voice saying, "Their mother was drunk driving and did this." I shrank in shame as I realized they didn't know I was the mother standing right before them.

You would think this horrible accident would have caused me to stop drinking and return to God. But no, as anyone in bondage could tell you, I went straight back to the bottle. I was forced to go to alcohol treatment, and I only resented it. As soon as my husband picked me up from treatment, I would party. One time, the counselor looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Margaret, you are on a one-road trip in an elevator, and you're going down." I was so filled with pride and rejected his words. My second marriage ended shortly after, and I desired to quit drinking. I cried out to God. I slowed down and was more cautious, but just as alcoholic. I thought I could control it, but it really is impossible if you are an alcoholic. My son, now a young teen, learned to hate my drinking. I tried to hide it from him, just the way my mom tried to hide it from me. My game playing with God was about to come to screeching halt.

When I was 35 years old My only child, my son Jeremiah, passed away without warning. His passing was such a complete shock. The pain of losing a child is beyond description, and my only option was to fall on my face before God and beg Him to help me. I relinquished every part of me, my life, over to God at that moment. I realized the way I was living was a complete mess, and it wasn't getting easier. God, in his mercy, delivered me from that moment on. I have been sober for almost nine years now, and completely set free. It's encouraging and good to know that many good and practical things begin to happen once you stop drinking.

For one, you begin to grow and mature. You stunt your maturity and spiritual growth when you use alcohol (or any other addictive substance) to deal with your feelings and problems. This perhaps is the most difficult transition, but with God's help it can be the most satisfying and rewarding. For me, I had to learn how to deal with conflict. Instead of running from conflicts and problems (I was a run-away girl!), I began to learn to deal with conflicts, one at a time.

Physically, no more hangovers! Looking back, it seemed crazy to spend a few hours in a drunken haze just to wake up sicker than a dog. But that is what we do when we are in such spiritual and physical bondage. Waking up and feeling good physically is definitely an incentive. No longer do you have to wake up feeling shame for drinking the night before. Not to mention the horrendous amount of money that can be spent in a bar or buying alcohol on a daily basis.

Also, I began to notice the beauty around me. I never noticed the beauty of flowers around me until I became sober. I never noticed a child's smile or the subtle nuances of life. I became aware, feeling and alive. It was like I was locked in a time-chamber for many years then released. I began to look around in wonder and realized that I had missed out on so much. I had a renewal and interest in trying new things that never interested me before such as experimenting with a new recipe or taking an interest in making my home more attractive. I became open emotionally, and could be easily touched and reached.

You're no longer self-centered, but slowly become other-centered as you heal and grow. You notice the suffering of others, and you want to help them, not contribute to the suffering. Think of the sorrow, fear and shame you put your children and other loved ones through from your drinking (or drugs, etc.). My biggest regret is how I raised my son. I perpetuated the disease that plagued my mother, and did the same thing to my son. Thankfully to God, my son was with his father on weekends; however, he had seen enough to make him hate my drinking.

Your health will improve as you no longer put toxic amounts of alcohol in your body. Alcoholism, as most people know, can lead to cirrhosis of the liver and other health issues. My dear Indian mother passed away in March 2008 from cirrhosis of the liver. This is a progressive disease, and if you're Native American, the statistics are grim. Native people cannot metabolize alcohol well, and it's a poison to them. If fact, if you are of Native American descent, I want to share some history regarding Native Americans and alcohol. Native people have not been acclimated to alcohol for thousands of years like their white brothers, but only two hundred years or so. White traders came during the 19th century and traded alcohol with the Indians for valuable furs. This whiskey was not pure, and often mixed with toxic chemicals to give the alcohol color, and river water was added to increase the quantities. Often, under the influence of alcohol, the Indians would trade irresponsibly, leaving them destitute, begging for more. What's even more sad, is that this cycle of despair plays out on every reservation today, whether dry or not.

The only answer and hope I have to give you in ending this cycle is Jesus. Cry out to Him, from the heart, and He will answer you. There is hope. I know the pain of having such loneliness and pain in my heart, and I know how alcohol seemed to be my only friend. But alcohol is not a friend, he is an enemy, ready to destroy your life and the life of your family. It's only a short-term solution, lasting only a few hours. But the damage can and will last a life-time. We have to stand out in faith and in God's strength to go against everything in our life that supports the lifestyle of drinking. It takes courage to do this, but take the first step and God will help you.

Finally, your family members are no longer in pain as they watch in amazement your transformation before their very eyes. You become a walking testimony so that others can see your life and know that because of Jesus Christ they can be healed too. Ask God for wisdom as He takes you through the healing that is required. He will open doors in your heart that you have forgotten about. Let Him lovingly do His work and heal the hurts of our past. This takes time and patience as we give Him reign in our hearts. We must be willing to let God have complete control, with no strings attached. You cannot have it in the back of your mind that you will do this thing or that, but it must be complete relinquishment. It all begins with a prayer, "God help me! I relinquish my life to you for you do as you please. I believe you sent your son Jesus Christ to die for my sins because you loved me so much. I believe you raised Him alive on the third day and I receive your healing now! Please forgive me of my sins and deliver me from addictions and bondage. He then begins to open the doors that He wants you to walk in. In no way is this the easiest thing to do, to be sober and feel every single emotion and pain, but it is, by far, the best. I pray that God begin a work in you so that you may begin the work that He has called for you to do in this lifetime. After all, nothing else really matters in the end except knowing that you were obedient to His calling on your life. May God bless you as you begin through this journey.

In loving memory of my mother, Rose Mary Mitchell Clark, 1938-2008

God bless you,

Margaret Robinson